The Mathematics of Matchmaking
by mfig
Summary: Penny needs to find a suitable mate. Can Amy help?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **The Mathematics of Matchmaking

**Rating: **M

**Pairing:** Sheldon/Penny

**Spoilers:** The Cohabitation Formulation

**Summary:** Penny needs a suitable mate. Can Amy help?

**A/N: **This is pretty much my first attempt at writing fanfiction for this particular fandom. I find that writing Sheldon is a true challenge, and I really hope that I managed to do a good job. Thank you for reading and reviews, as well as constructive criticism, are always appreciated.

* * *

Sheldon handed Penny her tea and also a plate so that she could serve herself.

"I feel as if I missed something – why are you upset?"

"From what I understand, I would be in breech of the friendship code if I told you what has upset her."

"It's okay, there's really not much to say anyways. I just feel a bit upset that Leonard has moved on."

Sheldon shook his head. "Do you still have romantic feelings for him?"

Penny shrugged and leaned back against the sofa. "No… I just… Amy you explain it better than I do."

"Gotcha, bestie! Sheldon, the reason Penny is upset is not because she still harbors romantic feelings for Leonard, but rather because he is dating someone who is a more suitable mate for him. Penny has been forced to confront the fact that Leonard was, by far, the most suitable mate for her – at least theoretically he was, since all the attractive qualities he posses as a mate could not reconcile the fact that he lacked real chemistry with Penny."

"I hardly think they lacked chemistry – you should have heard them engaging in coitus. I had to buy noise canceling headphones!"

"You listened to us?" Penny sat up straighter, her cheeks red with embarrassment.

"Only the first time. The very next morning I purchased the noise-cancelling headphones. Besides – why should you care? You were practically dancing naked in our kitchen afterwards."

"Naked? I was wearing one of Leonard's shirt and underwear and either way – why should it upset you? You've already seen my ass!"

"That was before you slipped in the shower and I was merely trying to illustrate that being upset that I heard you engage in coitus with Leonard is rather moot when you're frolicking around in tight shorts and flimsy tops."

"Oh, please, like you don't enjoy it!" Penny barked back, her face growing redder for an entirely different reason.

"Excuse me?" It was his turn to sputter indignantly.

"You heard me! I've seen you checking out my ass on more than one occasion!"

"Well… clearly, you're delusional!"

Penny smirked and leaned closer, "I'm not stupid, I know when a guy is checking me out!"

"Name one single time!"

"Whenever we take the stairs together and you're conveniently behind me, when you insist I use the plates on the top shelf, when I'm clearing the table every Tuesday… do you want me to go on?"

"That's preposterous! Why would I even want to, as you so charmingly put it, check out your ass?

"You are an ass man."

Suddenly all eyes were once again on his laptop.

"Amy! I told you that in strict confidence!"

Shrugging, Amy looked back and forth between her best friend and friend who is a boy, but not her boyfriend. "I apologize, I was not aware that you had initiated the confidentiality clause of our friendship agreement. Although, I think I've come up with an even more effective way of comforting Penny."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow, "do pray tell."

"You and Penny should engage in coitus."

"What?"

"No!"

They both protested in unison – their faces aghast with horror.

"Amy, sweetie – are you crazy?"

"The suggestion does have its merits."

"I see absolutely no merit in pursuing such an endeavor!"

"Yeah," Penny chorused, "what he said!"

"I disagree, my suggestion has plenty of merit. Having sex will trigger endorphins, which will cheer up Penny, and if you're both sexually compatible, then you could be her new mate."

"Aren't you in a relationship with Sheldon?"

Amy shook her head. "In a way… yes, but by the end of the year I plan to marry my fiancé and move to the Middle East to continue my research."

"Oh yeah, the prince… he's cute, actually."

"He possess an inherit magnetism I find very appealing."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt all this female jibber-jabber, but how could you possibly think that Penny would be a suitable mate for me? We are mismatched in every possible aspect."

"What can I say? I firmly believe that opposites attract. Penny would be good for you and vise-versa. I have done math if you wish to see it."

Penny scooted towards the edge of her cushion. "So, you've been planning this for a while?"

"I have."

"Huh."

Turning towards him, she scooted closer. "Penny, you're violating my personal space!"

"Oh shut up, moon pie."

"I told you, no one can call me…" his protest was suddenly smothered by her lips on his, which went rigid with shock.

Pulling back, Penny frowned. "I felt absolutely no spark."

"In order to effectively determine if you two have any real chemistry, both parties must willingly participate."

Sheldon and Penny looked at each other and just when she was about to throw in the towel and head back to her apartment, he surprised her by swooping down and kissing her. This time around his lips moved against hers, albeit slowly and gently, his technique conforming that this was indeed his first real experience kissing. Keeping that in mind, Penny brought her hand up to his cheek and cupped his jaw comfortingly, her lips delivering a series of short and sweet pecks to his own.

Finally, pulling away from each other, they both turned to look at his laptop.

"So?" Amy asked, already feeling pretty positive about the results, but still needing to hear it directly from them. "Any sparks – is the cat alive?"

Sheldon nodded. "The cat is purring."

Penny shook her head in agreement and moved even closer to him so that she could whisper in his ear.

"_Purr, purr, purr."_

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**_I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference._**

**ONE WEEK LATER**

"I took the liberty of researching acceptable topics of conversation."

Penny smirked and leaned forward, the candlelight between them casting a favorable glow upon her features. Sheldon had insisted on taking her to a ridiculously expensive restaurant for their first date and really – who was she to argue? The man was a genius, after all.

"Okay – shoot!"

Pleased he reached inside his suit jacket and produced a small pack of flashcards. "Let's see…." he flipped through a couple of them until finding the right one. "We can discuss our childhoods."

"Are you sure about that? You weren't very forthcoming the last time I suggested it."

"Amy and I at that particular time were still settling into being acquaintances. It seemed like something too personal to discuss, especially on a first date, but we've known each other for almost four years and entertaining preliminary topics such as your favorite color or movie seems rather useless. Simply put… I want to really _know _you, Penny."

The line might have been corny had it been anyone else, but knowing how committed he could be when in the pursuit of knowledge, she found herself extremely flattered.

"My childhood was pretty ordinary. I grew up on a farm and every morning I would get up with my dad at the crack of dawn and help him with as many chores as I could before I had to get ready for school. He always wanted a son and instead he got me, although that really didn't stop him from calling me slugger and basically turning me into the biggest tomboy ever."

"I'm confused – don't you have a brother? Why did your father project his yearning for a son onto you when he already had one?"

Penny shook her head and looked down at her hands. "Michael is the oldest and a total screw up. I love him, I really do, but the boy has made some pretty boneheaded decisions!"

"Isn't he a chemist?"

Her eyes crinkled in amusement. "Yeah… a chemist of sorts… he got caught mixing meth in his tub. Combine that with the other previous offenses, the state pretty much hurled the book at him."

"How long?"

"About ten years… wow, it sounds so odd actually saying it out loud. It's something we don't ever talk about, at least not in front of my parents."

"I can relate. My brother George had a few run-ins with the law, but that's all behind him now."

"So it's just the three of you?"

"Yes – George, Missy and myself."

"It seems like you two were quite a handful."

Sheldon actually smirked – the corner of his mouth rising in an almost mischievous manner. They were trouble all right.

"My mother used to often exclaim that the Lord was testing her."

"I would too if a I had a brainiac son building a nuclear reactor in my garage and trying to wipe out all the neighborhood kids with a death ray."

His smirked morphed into a full on smile, but not one that would give her nightmares for weeks or reminded her of a deranged comic book villain. Instead, it was smug and very amused.

"I turned Missy's Easy Bake oven into a high powered furnace to build the ceramics and circuitry for an armed robot and she ended up burning off her eyebrows."

"Poor Missy," Penny tried her best to sound sympathetic, but began to laugh despite herself – her mirth contagious as his lips began to quiver with laughter.

"Oh, I really shouldn't laugh, but… I just … I can just picture her with no eyebrows and ready to strangle you!"

Sobering up, they glanced at each from across the table and broke out into another round of girly giggles and breathy chuckles.

"You know, I still think my mom still has mine somewhere in the basement. I could ask her to mail it and maybe we could do our own experimenting."

His eyes gleamed and she wondered how such a complex man could be so easily pleased.

**EIGHT MONTHS LATER**

"How was it?"

Penny blinked in surprise and then grinned as she bounced up to him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "That was really good!"

"I must admit that I have been practicing on the Wii, but it pales in comparison to the real thing."

"See! Actual sports can be fun too! I knew you would like baseball."

Sheldon reached for his messenger bag and pulled out a small notepad. "I do and I'm almost positive I can formulate an equation that will guarantee a perfect swing every single time."

"Really?"

"Penny – when have I been known to kid about equations?"

Sticking out her tongue, she pushed his baseball cap down until it covered his eyes and snorted with laughter when he tried to bat her hand away.

"Nerd!"

"Barbie!"

"Oh – are those fighting words?"

Borrowing a page from her book, he merely rolled his eyes, but reached for her hand. Immediately her eyes zoomed in on the point of contact. It had taken her almost two months to get him past his aversion to touching and four to stop using the hand sanitizer immediately afterwards. Truth be told, it had been more than a little frustrating, but her modus operandi in regards to the tall Texan was _understanding, patience and kindness_.

That's all anyone really needed.

Even super geniuses like Sheldon.

**A YEAR AND A HALF LATER**

One rainy afternoon he told her about his first and only sexual experience.

"You're not a virgin?"

Sheldon shook his head. "No, it was only one time. It happened during my stay in Germany, she was a physics professor as well. Her eyes were green just like yours and she was about twenty years my senior."

"Cougar?"

"I believe the term is rather fitting giving the circumstances."

"So – what happened?"

"I liked her, she was very kind to me… even made me a birthday dinner at her house. Her husband was also rather pleasant and I felt very comfortable in their presence, but one afternoon I dropped by her office to return a journal she lent me and I found her crying, naturally, I had no idea what to do as far as comforting her."

"In your defense, you've gotten much better at it."

"Thank you, but at that time I was only able to offer her a rather pathetic pat on the shoulder. The physical contact must have spurned something within her, because the next thing I knew, her lips were on mine and her hands were everywhere. I was shocked, but aroused… it wasn't as if I didn't consent, I was very much a willing participant, but once it was over I began to hyperventilate, she was married woman after all, and then once the initial panic wore off I found myself settled with a heavy wave of shame. Needless to say, it was not an experience I look back upon fondly."

"Oh sweetie – who would? All that guilt and confusion, and never mind the hormones running rampant through your body."

"I never told anyone about this."

"I can see why, but you do realize that you have nothing to feel ashamed about. If anyone is at fault, it's her. I mean, she was twenty year older and should have known better. You were still a kid! I don't care how many fancy degrees you had at the time!"

"Laura asked me for my forgiveness, as well as my silence. I think it's the only secret I never had any problems keeping, although that probably has to do with the fact that I've managed to repress it so well that sometimes I forget it ever happened, but I wanted to finally share my secret with someone… I care very deeply for you and where there is no trust, there can be no love."

"Sheldon – are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"I love you."

Her hand flew to her chest, as if trying to keep her heart from bursting through. "I love you too, I really do! I wanted to wait until you were ready to finally say it, because I understand that it's not easy for you…"

His warm lips against hers quelled any further words, as they feverishly kissed. Pulling away, he looked down at her upturn face, and reached down to take her small hand in his. "Will you please help me replace that painful memory?"

Her knees quivered.

* * *

"What are you thinking about?"

Turning onto her side, she propped her head on her arm and smiled down at him. "I was just thinking about how crazy this is."

"Oh?"

"Maybe crazy isn't the right word. I think unexpected better describes what I'm feeling. I'm just surprised that we're here, you know?"

Nodding, he mirrored her position so that they were eye to eye. "I understand. I too find it surprising that we managed to come this far. On paper, we're not the most obvious or conventional of couples, but oddly enough it works."

Running the tip of her finger, along his jaw she giggled when he turned his face and pressed a kiss to the roaming digit.

"From what I understand, it is socially frowned upon to enquire about the act of coitus immediately after having engaged in said act, but I find that I cannot keep my curiosity at bay. Penny – was it good for you?"

"Usually, it is frowned upon, but considering that it's you, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, Sheldon, it was very good for me."

"Would you mind trying it again?"

Shifting even closer, she graced her lips against his chin and then over his mouth. "Can't get enough, eh?"

**EPILOGUE:**

**SIX YEARS LATER**

Penny adjusted her sunglasses as she watched the camels round the track. Next to her Amy cheered, as her camel seemed to be taking the lead. Sheldon merely watched with disinterest, occasionally muttering something about human rights violations and robot-controlled camels.

"Sheldon, I can assure you that all the jockeys are of age. The use of children as camel jockeys has been long prohibited in Saudi Arabia."

"I profusely hope so."

The tall and tanned prince smiled and merely shook his head in amusement. Sitting back in his seat, he watched Penny bounce over to Sheldon and snake one arm around his waist, his longer arm curling around her shoulders as he held her to him affectionately. Giving their mismatched personalities, he would have never guessed that two individuals could be so compatible, but as his gazed roamed over to his wife, he supposed that anything was possible, especially when love was concerned.

**FIN**

_A/N: I apologize for taking so long to write this second and final chapter. I wanted to live up to the M rating, but frankly, I find that I lack all inspiration to do so. I blame midterms and law school in general, but I promise to come back and add a bonus smutty chapter once I'm done with midterms. I hope you all enjoyed my little tale. Thank you for the lovely reviews! _


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